284

sometimes things are assumed. sometimes in sports, opportunities are handed to you on a golden platter, and all you have to do is pick it up. My golden platter was right in front of me. all i had to do was run down a run way, and jump into a pit of sand. i had the speed, i had the strength, and yet some how, i screwed up. as one of the best long jumpers in the region, i was expected to jump over 16 feet. i was expected to score points and go to the state track meet. but i didn't. i fouled, all three jumps. Pissed is an understatement. and so is heart broken. i've never hated myself more, and i've never been so crushed because of something i did myself. i will never forget the amount of painful emotion that hit me after the last jump. i never want to feel that way again.

[284]
i will also never forget 284, my number for that track meet. i never thought a number could evoke such emotion out of me. i never thought that 3 digits could make me tear up. 284 wasn't supposed to be my last number in my high school track career. i should still be practicing for the state meet, but instead i am going home after school and thinking about what the team is doing. It isn't fair that i work my butt off all season, i push myself every day. i spent my spring break going to two track practices a day. it sucks... a lot.

i guess i'm posting this to vent. its hard to talk to anyone about it though. not many people understand the type of work that goes into what i do. to become one of the best long jumpers in the region in just one season i had to work twice as hard and much longer than anyone else. i always think of 1 Corinthians 9:24---Run in such a way as to win the prize--- is that not what i did? i ran, jumped, sprinted, and severely injured myself....all to win the prize. The world has proven itself to be very tough. Just when things seem in line, they fall apart. I never want to feel the pain i felt after my last jump, and i can assure you, that i will do everything in my power not to.

Being A Team Leader

as my senior track season is nearing its end, i am slowly beginning to get worn out. all season i have had severe shin splits, and the pressure is on like never before with the regional meet coming up. this is the time that i should be stepping up my game and wanted to be the absolute best i can be. however, the opposite seems to be happening. as one of the senior leaders, i am expected to keep everyone upbeat and positive. even when we are getting our butts kicked, i still have to be smiling. why me? why do i have to be the one who is never mad, upset, or worried that we are going to embarrass ourselves? its not fair. i take track very seriously, so yeah, i'm gonna be pretty damn pissed when i don't long jump as far as i should, or when i run a whole second slower. but ohhhhhhh no, Lilly can't be upset, Lilly has to be the one to guide the team through whatever hard-ship we are going through.
i guess you could say i'm a little sick of the whole situation. but every time i think about, like really think about it, i realize that i should be thankful. i should be thankful that my coach trusts and counts on me to be a leader. even after not doing track for two years, he has still trusted me to do 4 (the maximum amount that 1 athlete can do) events per meet. i'm very very blessed. i have been given talents and skills that not many people possess. i have been given the drive to push myself to new athletic heights, and push my team to do their best as well. i'm aggravated, pissed off, and physically worn out. but its my senior year, and i intend on qualifying for the state track meet. so i guess i should thank my coaches for putting the mentality of the whole team on my shoulders, with out that, i wouldn't be the athlete i am today.

The Best Day of My Life Thus Far...

as i'm sure many of you remember, i have been on the search for my future college. the main factor was soccer. I need to play. I can't imagine life without soccer. Well, i am proud to let you know that on Friday i officially signed to play at a school that i have fallen in love with it. The school is small and very "home town". i cant wait to make it my home. God has blessed me with an amazing opportunity, and i plan on making the most of it. College is my change to go somewhere where nobody knows me. Nobody knows about my past. (unless of course they stumble across this...) I dont have to tell them about my love-hate relationship with Young Life, or how messed up i used to be. I've been given a fresh start and i can't wait to go into college and become the girl i can't be here because of my past. so please, say a prayer for me, and thanks for reading :)

Im Coming Home

woah...i haven't been on here for a very, very long time. i apologize, but as i mentioned in my last post, i had a little bit of soul searching to do. Here's a recap of the last few months: i haven't been to Young Life since November, i recently hung out with one of my YL leaders for the first time since Christmas season, track started about a month ago...oh, and i have totally, utterly, and completely ignored the Lord over  the past four or five months.

yeah..that last one threw me off too. When i stopped going to Young Life, i had no intention of giving up the practice of my faith. but thats how it worked out. i haven't read my bible since i quit going, nor have  i felt the need to. i convinced myself that i would be fine, but the empty feeling that one gets after ignoring the Lord has eaten away at me, and i can no longer ignore my own Creator. once you have felt his love and glory, there's no way to ignore it, no matter how hard you try. I'm not completely sure that going back to Young Life is the answer, however i know that i have dug myself a very deep grave, and the only way to remove myself is through the Lord. 

Not only did i try to ignore the Lord, but i also tried to ignore some of my best friends. Seeing my Young Life leader this past weekend was amazing. i missed her so much. i miss all the YL leaders so much, but i am a stubborn gal, and refuse to go back to things i have already declared myself separated from... ;that seems to be my tragic flaw in life. Stubbornness can be a good thing, but in my case, it is closely related to stupidity. i pray that the Lord gives me strength to go back to those i love, and ignore what i have said about them in my past. i tend to say things i dont mean when i am confused or angry. i apologize to all that i may have hurt, especially my YL leaders who have been so good to me. 

i believe that the Lord is very forgiving, even when you feel you shouldn't be forgiven. i feel disgusted with myself. looking back on it, these past few months have been very hard to go through without prayer. i never want to feel this way again. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life as well as an amazing Father to watch over me.