284

sometimes things are assumed. sometimes in sports, opportunities are handed to you on a golden platter, and all you have to do is pick it up. My golden platter was right in front of me. all i had to do was run down a run way, and jump into a pit of sand. i had the speed, i had the strength, and yet some how, i screwed up. as one of the best long jumpers in the region, i was expected to jump over 16 feet. i was expected to score points and go to the state track meet. but i didn't. i fouled, all three jumps. Pissed is an understatement. and so is heart broken. i've never hated myself more, and i've never been so crushed because of something i did myself. i will never forget the amount of painful emotion that hit me after the last jump. i never want to feel that way again.

[284]
i will also never forget 284, my number for that track meet. i never thought a number could evoke such emotion out of me. i never thought that 3 digits could make me tear up. 284 wasn't supposed to be my last number in my high school track career. i should still be practicing for the state meet, but instead i am going home after school and thinking about what the team is doing. It isn't fair that i work my butt off all season, i push myself every day. i spent my spring break going to two track practices a day. it sucks... a lot.

i guess i'm posting this to vent. its hard to talk to anyone about it though. not many people understand the type of work that goes into what i do. to become one of the best long jumpers in the region in just one season i had to work twice as hard and much longer than anyone else. i always think of 1 Corinthians 9:24---Run in such a way as to win the prize--- is that not what i did? i ran, jumped, sprinted, and severely injured myself....all to win the prize. The world has proven itself to be very tough. Just when things seem in line, they fall apart. I never want to feel the pain i felt after my last jump, and i can assure you, that i will do everything in my power not to.

Being A Team Leader

as my senior track season is nearing its end, i am slowly beginning to get worn out. all season i have had severe shin splits, and the pressure is on like never before with the regional meet coming up. this is the time that i should be stepping up my game and wanted to be the absolute best i can be. however, the opposite seems to be happening. as one of the senior leaders, i am expected to keep everyone upbeat and positive. even when we are getting our butts kicked, i still have to be smiling. why me? why do i have to be the one who is never mad, upset, or worried that we are going to embarrass ourselves? its not fair. i take track very seriously, so yeah, i'm gonna be pretty damn pissed when i don't long jump as far as i should, or when i run a whole second slower. but ohhhhhhh no, Lilly can't be upset, Lilly has to be the one to guide the team through whatever hard-ship we are going through.
i guess you could say i'm a little sick of the whole situation. but every time i think about, like really think about it, i realize that i should be thankful. i should be thankful that my coach trusts and counts on me to be a leader. even after not doing track for two years, he has still trusted me to do 4 (the maximum amount that 1 athlete can do) events per meet. i'm very very blessed. i have been given talents and skills that not many people possess. i have been given the drive to push myself to new athletic heights, and push my team to do their best as well. i'm aggravated, pissed off, and physically worn out. but its my senior year, and i intend on qualifying for the state track meet. so i guess i should thank my coaches for putting the mentality of the whole team on my shoulders, with out that, i wouldn't be the athlete i am today.

The Best Day of My Life Thus Far...

as i'm sure many of you remember, i have been on the search for my future college. the main factor was soccer. I need to play. I can't imagine life without soccer. Well, i am proud to let you know that on Friday i officially signed to play at a school that i have fallen in love with it. The school is small and very "home town". i cant wait to make it my home. God has blessed me with an amazing opportunity, and i plan on making the most of it. College is my change to go somewhere where nobody knows me. Nobody knows about my past. (unless of course they stumble across this...) I dont have to tell them about my love-hate relationship with Young Life, or how messed up i used to be. I've been given a fresh start and i can't wait to go into college and become the girl i can't be here because of my past. so please, say a prayer for me, and thanks for reading :)

Im Coming Home

woah...i haven't been on here for a very, very long time. i apologize, but as i mentioned in my last post, i had a little bit of soul searching to do. Here's a recap of the last few months: i haven't been to Young Life since November, i recently hung out with one of my YL leaders for the first time since Christmas season, track started about a month ago...oh, and i have totally, utterly, and completely ignored the Lord over  the past four or five months.

yeah..that last one threw me off too. When i stopped going to Young Life, i had no intention of giving up the practice of my faith. but thats how it worked out. i haven't read my bible since i quit going, nor have  i felt the need to. i convinced myself that i would be fine, but the empty feeling that one gets after ignoring the Lord has eaten away at me, and i can no longer ignore my own Creator. once you have felt his love and glory, there's no way to ignore it, no matter how hard you try. I'm not completely sure that going back to Young Life is the answer, however i know that i have dug myself a very deep grave, and the only way to remove myself is through the Lord. 

Not only did i try to ignore the Lord, but i also tried to ignore some of my best friends. Seeing my Young Life leader this past weekend was amazing. i missed her so much. i miss all the YL leaders so much, but i am a stubborn gal, and refuse to go back to things i have already declared myself separated from... ;that seems to be my tragic flaw in life. Stubbornness can be a good thing, but in my case, it is closely related to stupidity. i pray that the Lord gives me strength to go back to those i love, and ignore what i have said about them in my past. i tend to say things i dont mean when i am confused or angry. i apologize to all that i may have hurt, especially my YL leaders who have been so good to me. 

i believe that the Lord is very forgiving, even when you feel you shouldn't be forgiven. i feel disgusted with myself. looking back on it, these past few months have been very hard to go through without prayer. i never want to feel this way again. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life as well as an amazing Father to watch over me. 

I'm not perfect

Over the course of writing this blog, i have tried to write about personal triumphs, I try to remind everyone that there is light at the end of the tunnel and to not give up. Recently i have found that it is much easier to tell you all about my victories as apposed to my hard times. that really isn't fair to you though, i shouldn't be painting this picture of myself as a completely happy and care free person becaused i am very far from such a thing. so today, im gonna go ahead and let you know that my life isn't always bright and sunny, and that sometimes, i find it very, very, very hard to maintain my Christian faith.

As a senior, my current goal is to find out where i will spend the next 4 years of my life studying and most likely playing soccer. After my most recent college visit i realized that college really is like being on my own. I won't have to tell my mother and father where i am going and i can pretty much do what ever my heart desires at the time. after returing from my visit, i began to think about what "College Lilly" would be like. Will i be able to find a group of people who don't party and don't do all the things i have spent the past two years over coming? What if i WANT to drink?

lately i've been bored with my new Christian lifestyle. it's hard knowing that i am no longer content with Young Life, an orginaization that has been with me the whole way through this journey. things have changed though, and i don't know if i want to be a part of that change. I am so thankful for Northern Kentucky Young Life. but i'm not sure that the Young Life i see now is the Young Life that i fell in love with two years ago. Maybe it's me thats changed, maybe I'm the problem. but then again, maybe not.

once again, i'm not really sure if you have taken any life changing lesson away from this. But i feel i owe it to you to show you that even though i write a lot about the awesome parts of being a Christian, it is still very hard. the saying "Nobody said it would be easy, they said it would be worth it" holds very true in the Christian faith. Becoming a Christian doesn't make your problems dissapear. But it does give you a source of strength to overcome those problems. I am human, i have a lot of issues. Wanting to drink and debating on whether i will finish my senior year as a part of Young Life or not are both huge choices i have to make. I have a lot of things to work on, but luckily i have a loving God to lead me.

Thanksgiving

i hope everyone enjoyed this Thanksgiving, spending lots of time with those you love! This year i have A LOT to be thankful for! i have come such a long way and have made a life for myself that i actually love living. The people i have met and friends i have made over the past two years have been such blessings. It really is a shame that this is one of the few days of the year that i really express how thankful i am for everyone, but i hope that this post makes up for that!

1. Above all else, i am Thankful for Jesus Christ, without whom i would be in a much darker place and would not be the person i am today. He is my savior.

2. Steen(yes, i have a friend who goes by Steen...) i love you so much. You have been like a sister to me, and so much more. i really have no way to describe how thankful i am for you. You are amazing, I love seeing Christ work through you and pray that some day i may be able to do the same. Thank you for always being there, and for helping me through these past years. You are such a blessing, and i am sorry that there are no words to really express how much i mean that.

3. Claire- you too, are like a sister. i know sometimes i give you a lot of crap, but just remember that it is because i love you and want what is best for you. i can't wait to see the wonderful woman you become. regardless of what you decide to do after high school, you will succeed. you are the little sister i never had. it will be hard going to school without you, but i suppose it had to happen sooner or later. just be smart, keep your head up, and never stop smiling.

4. My brothers and sisters- no, we dont get along too often. no, we arent as close as i feel like we should be. and no, we aren't all the same. but i love you all. You guys have helped make me the person i am today. if it weren't for you guys, i very well might go insane in this house. i'm sorry that i'm sometimes a brat, but hopefully after i go to college and become an adult, i might start acting like one :)

5. Dad.  i love you with all my heart. You are my number one fan, on and off the field. thank you for supporting me in everything i want to do. i can't wait to make you proud in college soccer, and i can't wait for you to see me play again. i'm going to miss you next year, but i'm sure you will check in on me enough, it will feel like i never left :)

With out the good Lord, i would not be where i am today. i would not be writing a blog, attempting to inspire complete strangers. am i wasting my time? maybe. Do i mind? not at all. Glorifying God is something to be done at all times, not just when people are watching. honestly, i have NO IDEA how many people really read this. but i am a firm believer in quality over quantity. so whether it is 1 person, or 100, i hope i have inspired you to take a minute or two, and think about what you are thankful for. Then when you are done, thank God. He is the reason i do this, and deserves all the glory in the world. Happy Thanksgiving, and God Bless.

one simple comment

this week in my english class, i was given a compliment that would make me feel better about myself than i have in a long time. while we were "working" in small groups, my group got to talking about college. we all said what we wanted to do with our lives and talked about what college we wanted to go to. i began talking about how i want to major in history and minor in youth ministry. i told them how i didn't know if i wanted to teach or search for a job in a museum or work as an archivist. i then also told them how i was hesitant to search for a job as an archivist because i felt it would take me away from where i live now, which is also where i would like to live, as well as become a Young Life leader, after college. just talking about it made me stressed. then, one of the girls in my group looked at me with a smile and said "Lilly, i have a feeling that no matter what you do with your life, your going to be great at it"

wow...did i really just hear that? did someone just say that to me? i'm still shocked. i am the type of person who does not always see themselves the way others see me. i tend to shy away from compliments and have never been fully confident in myself, whether in be intellectually or physically. but to hear something like that, face to face, it means a lot. it makes me smile just thinking about it.

if there is anything that senior year has taught me thus far, its that i am going to be okay. no matter what i do with my life, i am going to glorify God and live for him. i'm not going to lie, im nervous about leaving my home to go to a school that is completely foreign to me. But i trust in the Lord and his path for me. although my lack of confidence still hinders, i know that He gives me strength and will be by my side.