Im Coming Home

woah...i haven't been on here for a very, very long time. i apologize, but as i mentioned in my last post, i had a little bit of soul searching to do. Here's a recap of the last few months: i haven't been to Young Life since November, i recently hung out with one of my YL leaders for the first time since Christmas season, track started about a month ago...oh, and i have totally, utterly, and completely ignored the Lord over  the past four or five months.

yeah..that last one threw me off too. When i stopped going to Young Life, i had no intention of giving up the practice of my faith. but thats how it worked out. i haven't read my bible since i quit going, nor have  i felt the need to. i convinced myself that i would be fine, but the empty feeling that one gets after ignoring the Lord has eaten away at me, and i can no longer ignore my own Creator. once you have felt his love and glory, there's no way to ignore it, no matter how hard you try. I'm not completely sure that going back to Young Life is the answer, however i know that i have dug myself a very deep grave, and the only way to remove myself is through the Lord. 

Not only did i try to ignore the Lord, but i also tried to ignore some of my best friends. Seeing my Young Life leader this past weekend was amazing. i missed her so much. i miss all the YL leaders so much, but i am a stubborn gal, and refuse to go back to things i have already declared myself separated from... ;that seems to be my tragic flaw in life. Stubbornness can be a good thing, but in my case, it is closely related to stupidity. i pray that the Lord gives me strength to go back to those i love, and ignore what i have said about them in my past. i tend to say things i dont mean when i am confused or angry. i apologize to all that i may have hurt, especially my YL leaders who have been so good to me. 

i believe that the Lord is very forgiving, even when you feel you shouldn't be forgiven. i feel disgusted with myself. looking back on it, these past few months have been very hard to go through without prayer. i never want to feel this way again. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life as well as an amazing Father to watch over me. 

I'm not perfect

Over the course of writing this blog, i have tried to write about personal triumphs, I try to remind everyone that there is light at the end of the tunnel and to not give up. Recently i have found that it is much easier to tell you all about my victories as apposed to my hard times. that really isn't fair to you though, i shouldn't be painting this picture of myself as a completely happy and care free person becaused i am very far from such a thing. so today, im gonna go ahead and let you know that my life isn't always bright and sunny, and that sometimes, i find it very, very, very hard to maintain my Christian faith.

As a senior, my current goal is to find out where i will spend the next 4 years of my life studying and most likely playing soccer. After my most recent college visit i realized that college really is like being on my own. I won't have to tell my mother and father where i am going and i can pretty much do what ever my heart desires at the time. after returing from my visit, i began to think about what "College Lilly" would be like. Will i be able to find a group of people who don't party and don't do all the things i have spent the past two years over coming? What if i WANT to drink?

lately i've been bored with my new Christian lifestyle. it's hard knowing that i am no longer content with Young Life, an orginaization that has been with me the whole way through this journey. things have changed though, and i don't know if i want to be a part of that change. I am so thankful for Northern Kentucky Young Life. but i'm not sure that the Young Life i see now is the Young Life that i fell in love with two years ago. Maybe it's me thats changed, maybe I'm the problem. but then again, maybe not.

once again, i'm not really sure if you have taken any life changing lesson away from this. But i feel i owe it to you to show you that even though i write a lot about the awesome parts of being a Christian, it is still very hard. the saying "Nobody said it would be easy, they said it would be worth it" holds very true in the Christian faith. Becoming a Christian doesn't make your problems dissapear. But it does give you a source of strength to overcome those problems. I am human, i have a lot of issues. Wanting to drink and debating on whether i will finish my senior year as a part of Young Life or not are both huge choices i have to make. I have a lot of things to work on, but luckily i have a loving God to lead me.

Thanksgiving

i hope everyone enjoyed this Thanksgiving, spending lots of time with those you love! This year i have A LOT to be thankful for! i have come such a long way and have made a life for myself that i actually love living. The people i have met and friends i have made over the past two years have been such blessings. It really is a shame that this is one of the few days of the year that i really express how thankful i am for everyone, but i hope that this post makes up for that!

1. Above all else, i am Thankful for Jesus Christ, without whom i would be in a much darker place and would not be the person i am today. He is my savior.

2. Steen(yes, i have a friend who goes by Steen...) i love you so much. You have been like a sister to me, and so much more. i really have no way to describe how thankful i am for you. You are amazing, I love seeing Christ work through you and pray that some day i may be able to do the same. Thank you for always being there, and for helping me through these past years. You are such a blessing, and i am sorry that there are no words to really express how much i mean that.

3. Claire- you too, are like a sister. i know sometimes i give you a lot of crap, but just remember that it is because i love you and want what is best for you. i can't wait to see the wonderful woman you become. regardless of what you decide to do after high school, you will succeed. you are the little sister i never had. it will be hard going to school without you, but i suppose it had to happen sooner or later. just be smart, keep your head up, and never stop smiling.

4. My brothers and sisters- no, we dont get along too often. no, we arent as close as i feel like we should be. and no, we aren't all the same. but i love you all. You guys have helped make me the person i am today. if it weren't for you guys, i very well might go insane in this house. i'm sorry that i'm sometimes a brat, but hopefully after i go to college and become an adult, i might start acting like one :)

5. Dad.  i love you with all my heart. You are my number one fan, on and off the field. thank you for supporting me in everything i want to do. i can't wait to make you proud in college soccer, and i can't wait for you to see me play again. i'm going to miss you next year, but i'm sure you will check in on me enough, it will feel like i never left :)

With out the good Lord, i would not be where i am today. i would not be writing a blog, attempting to inspire complete strangers. am i wasting my time? maybe. Do i mind? not at all. Glorifying God is something to be done at all times, not just when people are watching. honestly, i have NO IDEA how many people really read this. but i am a firm believer in quality over quantity. so whether it is 1 person, or 100, i hope i have inspired you to take a minute or two, and think about what you are thankful for. Then when you are done, thank God. He is the reason i do this, and deserves all the glory in the world. Happy Thanksgiving, and God Bless.

one simple comment

this week in my english class, i was given a compliment that would make me feel better about myself than i have in a long time. while we were "working" in small groups, my group got to talking about college. we all said what we wanted to do with our lives and talked about what college we wanted to go to. i began talking about how i want to major in history and minor in youth ministry. i told them how i didn't know if i wanted to teach or search for a job in a museum or work as an archivist. i then also told them how i was hesitant to search for a job as an archivist because i felt it would take me away from where i live now, which is also where i would like to live, as well as become a Young Life leader, after college. just talking about it made me stressed. then, one of the girls in my group looked at me with a smile and said "Lilly, i have a feeling that no matter what you do with your life, your going to be great at it"

wow...did i really just hear that? did someone just say that to me? i'm still shocked. i am the type of person who does not always see themselves the way others see me. i tend to shy away from compliments and have never been fully confident in myself, whether in be intellectually or physically. but to hear something like that, face to face, it means a lot. it makes me smile just thinking about it.

if there is anything that senior year has taught me thus far, its that i am going to be okay. no matter what i do with my life, i am going to glorify God and live for him. i'm not going to lie, im nervous about leaving my home to go to a school that is completely foreign to me. But i trust in the Lord and his path for me. although my lack of confidence still hinders, i know that He gives me strength and will be by my side.

Life As A Teen

Well it's my senior year now, and i was not at all prepared for what i was up against. Senior year is supposed to be fun and care free, because lets be honest, we're practically already in college ;) But i have found that these expectations of senior year are far from the truth. Between reseach papers and social life (or lack of), senior year has been quite the curve ball. My mother and i recently got in an argument about my stress level. According to her i really have no reason to be stressed, i have easy classes and peer pressure apparently isn't hard for me because i am a Christian. That, my friends, is false. At my school, it realy doesnt matter what classes you take, because every senior has to complete an outrageous research paper, and its no easy task. 10 source cards, then 100 note cards on infornation gathered from those sources..it sucks. But i would rather do 50 of these research projects than deal with the pressure to drink and party. Regarless of who you are, christian or not, the pressure to go out and party is so strong. as someone who has lived the party life style, i can say that it is something that, at times, sounds so appealing. its hard being a teenager at times like these. either you go out and drink, and know that you are not living the life you were mant to live, or you dont and get ridiculed by other teens for not being fun. Being a Christian does not fix all my problems, but i now know that i have the strength to over come the problems put in front of me.

Adults, dont underestimate the amount of stress high schoolers go through. just because we dont have to deal with your crappy boss or annoying co-worker doesnt mean we walk through out days without a problem. High school is tough, and it takes a lot to stand up to all the pressure presented to us.

Teens, you arent the only one dealing with these pressures. i understand how hard it is. But i promise you that the strugges you go though now will make you stonger than ever. you truly can do anything through Christ who strengthens you.

Making the most of my down time

Growing up in a Catholic school, I began to despise every moment I had to be in church or religion class. But now, every free second I have I am using to work at my relationship with Christ. There are so many moments throughout the day that I am just sitting there doing nothing productive. For example, right now I am in my english class with nothing to do because I finished my work in 15 minutes. Instead of laying my head down or talking, I am typing up this post. I dont want to waste any more time in my life with silly things. I used to listen to my Mac Miller station on Pandora while mowing the lawn. Now I listen to christian stations and worship while mowing, that's two hours with the Lord that I didn't have before. I can't think of anything I would rather do than praise Lord.

I would encourage everyone reading this to do what I've done. Make the most of your day. Don't waste time doing something without purpose when you could be doing the most purposeful task in the world, worshiping our God.

First Step To My Future

as you may have seen in my previous post, i am completely in love with the sport of soccer. a lot of time has passed but i wanted to let you know that my senior soccer season has officially ended. After losing in the first round of the regional tournament, we were sent home with tears in our eyes, well not all of us. Of the 7 seniors on my team, i am the only one who did not cry. Why? My season has been done for over a month.
while playing in a district game i jumped into the air for a head ball, and landed on the outside of my right foot. (i heard a crack...ew) Nothing was broken but i did end up with a high ankle sprain, ending my senior soccer season a month early. when i hit the ground and heard my ligaments crack, i prayed. i prayed harder than i have my whole life. While lying on a soccer field, crying my eyes out, and trying to contain myself, i prayed to the good Lord that i would be able to play again. i prayed that this was not the end of my soccer career. when i made it to the doctor in crutches the next day, he told me that i was done for the season. Heart broken. That is the only way i can describe how i felt. i was in disbelief, why would this happen? i was having the best season of my life. after realizing that i was done with soccer, i committed to becoming a young life leader, and that was the end of that, or so i thought :)
two weeks after the injury i received an e mail from the small college that i had been speaking to about playing for. they were aware of the injury and i was eager to hear what they said. they told me they wanted me on their team "regardless of injury". they offered me a scholarship. the Lord delivered!!!!! My prayers were answered and i am so thankful. i cannot explain how much this means to me. To be able to play real soccer again is a dream that i had kissed good bye. God is so so so good. He has given me a second chance, and there is no way i could thank Him enough.

i would like to apologize to anyone reading this who is not happy that i will be leaving home. especially my YL leaders. i love you all like family, and i don't mean to offend you with my enthusiasm about leaving, however this is a dream come true and i hope you understand that. you all have been amazing to me and i love each of you.

My dreams seem to be working out, but to anyone who reads this, please remember; the Lord knows what's best for you. i once heard a quote that said, "Sometimes Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" i am a strong believer in that. Trust in the Lord with all your heard, and know that He loves you, and is going to do what is best for you.